故郷

来月、試験期間が終わったらD.mondの実家に帰れる。夏の講義が始まるまでの１週間程だが楽しみでしょうがない。特別にホームシックという訳でもないが、ただ、普通の会話が出来る事が楽しみでしょうがない。しょうもない会話や遊びで思いっ切り笑える事だろう。まあ、食べ物も楽しみだけどね（dimsum, malaysian, hotpot, korean)。ここ何週間か、いろいろあった為に少しの間でも実家で過ごせる事を考えるとホッとする。帰りたいというよりは、K-townから逃げたいという気持ちが強い。もう、何回かNativeと間違えられて、とても嫌な思いをした。最初は平気でこんな事をする人達が居るという事実に驚いた。でも、こんな事が日常茶飯事だと知った時は、はっきり言ってショックだった。まさか、"multiculturalism"が売りのカナダでこんな事が許されるなんて思ってなかった。自分は間違われて、このような扱いされた。もし、あの人や、あの少年が「正しい」標的に会っていたら？そんな事を考えてたら、ここ何週間か涙が止まらなかった。言葉で表せられない感情をいろいろ体験した。自分の愛しのカナダは本当はどんな者なのかを認めざるおえなくなった。もちろん、D.mondに居ても、差別と顔を会わせる（いろんな意味でね）。ただし、差別が許される空間がK-townに比べて極端に少ないのだ。常に、毎日、どこに居ても差別と顔を会わせる訳ではない。ここではそれが現実なのだ。少しづつ、ひきこもりになってゆく自分に気が付いた。外に出る事、バスに乗る事が怖いのだ。今までは”こんなしょうもない人間の為に怖気ずいてタマルか！！”と思っていたが、体が先にギブアップしてしまった。熱をまた出し、頭痛が収まらず、血も吐き、（正確にいうと、寝てる間に出た鼻血が喉に流れこんで、それが出てきたんだけど）とても外を出歩く気にはなれない。本当は外を出歩くのが怖い。どう構えてようが、白人ではないという事だけで、差別されるのは非常に疲れる。心の疲れが体に出てしまうのだ（ストレスは体に悪いヨ、皆さん）。でも、差別されるからこそ、私に出来る事が一つある。自分のストーリーを語る事だ。私みたいなストーリーを聞かなければ、K-townの変化は始まらない。でも、まずは、エネルギー充電しないと。雑炊を作ろう!
しまった、スーパーに買い物に行かねば....はあ～。D.mondという「故郷」がとても恋しいこの頃です。

I am Canadian!

I don't remember moving to Canada 15+ years ago affecting me as much as moving to K-town has. I mean, I remember not wanting to come to Canada (really, what 10 year old kid would want to leave everything she knows and all her friends to move to another country where they speak a different language????) and ESL classes being torture. I do remember the culture shock. I vaguely remember being made fun of as the new ESL kid, but it didn't bother me so much because I couldn't understand what they were calling me anyway. By the time my English started to stick, my assimilation into Canadian culture was well under way. I became what you call a white-washed kid or a banana. Partly due to the extreme measures my parents ( really, it was all DAD)took to make sure that I was becoming "Canadian". They threw out Japanese books, magazines, letters my classmates gave me...and I was forbidden from watching Japanese TV or movies. They also made it crystal clear to me that I was to master English...forget about remembering Japanese or being Japanese(I'm so glad their plan never worked out), I was a Canadian (yes, I swore my allegiance to the Queen years ago). By the time I started high school, I was one of the whitest(on the inside and outside...teachers called me 'sickly' pale) asian kids in our school. I never identified with the Japanese-Canadian kids around me, I was both Japanese and Canadian but those were somehow seperate identities within me. Growing up in D.mond, which was going through major demographic changes in a very short period at the time, I experienced and witnessed my share of racism. Over just a few years, the majority in D.mond became Asians. Over half the city's population became Chinese and D.mond's face changed dramatically. My high school was very representative of the town's variety of ethnicities. Alot of our school population was very segragated ethinically but we got along for the most part. There were certain groups that never interacted with each other. I had white friends who would yell out "You're in Canada!! Learn English!" in a hallway where everyone spoke only Cantonese.(I would tell them that I would be speaking Japanese too if more students spoke it and they would tell me that "But you learned English so you're different"). I had Chinese friends who would yell out the term meaning 'white devil' in a hallway where all the White grunge metal kids hung out. I had some older girls tell me to "Go back to the island, you chink!!" during gym class (I kicked their ass in lacross). Our Japanese-Canadian neighbours would tell us that at least we lived next to Chinese and not Whiteys. Working at the local mall, I got asked on a daily basis if I spoke Chinese. I had Chinese guys who would refer to me as 'Japanese girl' and never remember my name. Let me repeat, that I was one of the whitest kids at school. Everyone thought I was born in Canada, but they also knew that I was Japanese. I had White friends, I had CBC friends, I had Honger friends, I had East Indian friends, I had Japanese-Canadian friends. I got along with them individually but they didn't alway get along with each other. Growing up in this environment never made me doubt my identities however, it allowed me to be both. Besides, there were tons of other kids like me who were both Canadian and something else. There was tension alot of times, but we all knew we were all Canadian. Being called names, especially the wrong names, having things yelled at me, seeing my own friends doing it to the 'FOB's pissed me off but I also laughed about it too. Working as a make-up artist, I got alot of Asian clients who requested me because of my reputation of my ability to truly compliment asian eyes, I had alot of White clients who wanted me to customize their lip color and foundation, and many East Indian clients who knew of my use of bright colors. I never had people doubt or assume that I wasn't Canadian, it was a given. I think I figured out why I've been so frustrated living in K-town. I have international students telling me that I'm Canadian and everyone else telling me I'm Asian. I realize that race, nationality, ethinicity are just constructions of society and should have no effect on who I am as a person but it does, being so visible, I can't hide from it. My identity has been something fluid to me, but for the first time in over 15 years, I have people telling me I'm not Canadian! Seriously, when people ask what's my nationality, I say Canadian...they look so confused...then they ask if I was born in Canada,(I get very tempted to say yes because then I can avoid what comes next)I say no and I make sense again...they love sushi...great...my English is so 'good'...thanks...and they loved "The Last Samurai" or "Memoirs of a Geisha"...I never knew Tom Cruise was Japanese...they name an anime series that they LOVE...never heard of it, sorry I don't watch a lot of anime...have you been to the buddist temple here?...I'm not buddist...oh!Happy Chinese New Year(ok,so I only got this one once)...I celebrate New Year in January...you people are so skinny!...so's that blonde girl sitting in front of you...your hair is so straight...I use a hair straightener...(and my FAVORITE)is it true what they say about Asian guy's #%&@* being small?...I wouldn't know, and please don't talk to me again. I use a Canadian passport, I travel with the Canadian flag all over my luggage and I follow hockey and make fun of Americans, can I be any more CANADIAN?

Smile!

It has been brought to my attention that my posts so far make me sound incredibly bitter and unhappy. I have only written about things so far that overwhelmed me, and not every person has treated me like an outsider. So let me take this time to write about something happier! The reason I left my comfortable life in D.mond and came here to K-town is for school. I LOVE my school. It's a pretty small and new university, the prof's are some of the best and I get to study while surrounded by nature. Being at this school has really made me think about things I never thought about. My classmates for the most part have stimulated me and challenged me to broaden my perspective. I've had such interesting discussions and heard stories that touched me in a way words rarely do. As much as I whine about being treated differently, the challenges I've faced here (mostly in pubs and on the bus) has allowed me to know myself better. Also, I may have made K-town sound like a horrible place to come to. That is so not the case!! This town is so beautiful, in terms of landscape and surrounding nature, the awesome ski mountains, the lakes, and so much more. The people really are great too, for the most part. Locals here are incredibly friendly and welcoming (for the most part), and they are so proud of their city. Living away from my parents (sorry mummi) has been the best part of living here as well. Growing up as an asian person in D.mond is a unique experience because I was always part of the marjority although that's not the case in the rest of Canada. Living in K-town has given me a taste of what it's like to live in Canada as a visible minority, and I'm actually thankful for that. I mean, as much as I complain about being denied my Canadian identity, the labels I carry with me should have no effect on who I really am as a person. It's all made-up anyway, my dual identities mesh well inside me, and what I'm labeled on the outside shouldn't matter. Being here has reminded me of that. Plus, I've skiied some of the best powder I've ever seen!! I really am glad to be here, and wouldn't trade my experiences for anything.

Perception

Ok, so I made a comment in class today. I kinda got shy about voicing my views in class since last semester when everything I said became interpreted as the "Asian girl"'s view. I also felt a kind of a pressure in some of my classes from both other students and teachers about what came out of my mouth. Whatever came out my mouth had to be interesting and 'authentic' because I was the token "international" student and therefore, representative of "my people". For example, someone mentioned Chinese footbinding in a Women's Studies class and the teacher looked at me and expected me to make a comment. Alright, so I knew quite a bit about the subject since I studied about it in detail in my fashion marketing days but I'm pretty sure she wasn't asking for my textile expertise. In this same class, the girl who sat in front of me (and she was a perfectly nice, polite girl) would turn around everytime an asian country was mentioned in discussion. (Maybe she was looking at the East Indian girl who sat behind me?)What did she expect me to do? Teach her about every culture that gets summed up as "Asian"? In my linguistic class, a bunch of kids thought it was "so cool" that I was fluent in Japanese and yet they were convinced that I was an international student(Shouldn't it be cooler that I speak English?)Anyways, 4 months of things like this made me very careful about what I said in class. Let's just say that it's been a long while since I've said anything during a class. Getting back to the point, so I made a comment in class today. Although I hadn't intended my comment to be in an "asian" context, it was very clear that some members of the class had interpreted as so(they told me). We were discussing a book written by a South Asian author, set in India. I had noticed alot of similarities between this particular book and other South Asian and Asian books I had read recently for another class. The topic of discussion was magic realism (Really, who decides what's "magic" and what's "real"? I totally believe in ghosts!!) alot of the same "magic" was mentioned so I got the impression that since that was a particular style of storytelling in the other books that I'd read, maybe this book was written in the style or type of a particular narrative and perhaps the use of the magical was not necessary a statement in itself. My opinion wasn't necessary based on any "asian" insight nor did I mean to say that I had read the story from a different cultural view. But thinking back on the words and phrasing that I used, I can see how that could be heard. BUT, if I didn't look asian, if I was a white person saying the exact same comment, would the same words have been interpreted the same way? On the other hand, as much as I bitch about being stereotyped, how much of my "orientalism", do I construct myself? Aren't I portraying the "Asian girl" to a point? Am I being paranoid? Maybe it doesn't matter that my opinion gets painted as Asian; I am after all, Asian. I come from a town where LOTS of people are hybrids of some kind, so it's feels incredibly wierd and foreign to me that I may not be considered one of "us" when Canadians are mentioned. I have to watch what come out of my mouth because I can't be the representative of "Asians" but to K-town folks, I might be the only non-white person they've ever spoken with. People who know me know I have alot of opinions and I've never had to watch my mouth like this before and I hate feeling like I'm not participating but I don't want to misrepresent another person's culture. I mean, I'm happy to talk about my own experiences from my life if anyone's willing to listen but my story is just that, I can't speak for "my people" whoever they are. I give up, maybe I shouldn't open my mouth at all. Listen, kids, just go watch Russel Peters. He'll explain asians, and you'll have a laugh while having an educational experience.

ため息

最近、街を歩いたり、近所のスーパーに行く時は、必ずipodを持ち歩きheadphonesで耳をふさいでいる。そうしていれば、色々めんどくさい質問攻めに遭わないからだ。スーパーで大根を買う度に「What is this?」とレジのお姉さんが聞いてくる。９月にK-townに来た時は、初めて｢外人」として扱われる事に興味が湧いたし、１０年以上も自分をカナダ人だと思って来た私にとって面白い経験になるだろうと思っていた。でも、毎日のように「Where are you from?」とか、「Your English is so good!」と言われる事がいつの間にか肩の重荷になってしまった。ここに引っ越してから国籍、citizenship、identity、language,やら「文化」とゆうものについて、あらためて考え直すはめになった。もとから｢国籍｣という物がただの紙きれでしかないという、自覚はあったつもりだった。私の中の｢自分｣というidentityがどれほど国籍や、周りにいる人達からの扱われ方や、同時にカナダ人であり、日本人であるという確信によって作り上げられてる事に気づかされた。これからも、さらに自分というものが何なのかを考えさせられると思う。カナダと呼ばれる国がどうゆう所なのかが、もう少し、分かった気がする。半年近く、K-townに住んで、カナダ人という｢自分｣を否定される事によって、少しずつ、私の存在その物を否定、というより、勝手に作られている事に気づいた。最初は、｢私は私！」って思ってたし、自分は何者なのかが分かっていれば、周りに何言われようが、どう、扱われようが平気でいられると思っていた。でも、｢自分｣の一部を完璧に否定されるのは、疲れるものであって、私は一生耐えられると思えない。勘違いしないで欲しい。K-townで暮らし初めて、いっぱい楽しい事はあったし、とてもいい人にも出会った。ただ、こんなに｢自分って何？私って何者？」などを考えさせられたのが初めてなのだ。K-townを離れる前にもっといっぱい素敵な経験と出会うであろう。その経験も大事だけど、差別行為や偏見が詰まってるとしか思えないコメントも私にとっては同じ位、大事だと思う。

Accent

I was chatting after class with the Hindu classmate that I mentioned earlier, and she told me she's adopted a "Canadian" accent for when she goes into town because her accented Engilsh gives her away as an international student. She was telling me that because I don't have a Japanese accent, at least people will assume that I'm one of 'them'. This hadn't occurred to me before. Besides, it's not like I walk around talking for no reason. Until I open my mouth, people talk to me in a bizzare, slow speech; Supermarket: "HoW ArE U toDA~y?". Also, people don't know what to label me and therefore how to treat me once they find out that I do speak "Canadian". Language is such an integal part of any cultural experience but I know many Canadians who don't comprehend English very well. It's a comment I've heard most of my adult life; "You're in Canada, learn to speak English". I heard it most in high school where certain hallways were labeled Lil China or Lil HK, or in parking lots, or at the local mall. But most of the people who were on the recieving end DO speak English...maybe not fluently but in a place like D.mond, you don't need English to get by. Canada is a nation of immigrants. As a counrty, we are made up of people of so many diffrent ethinic backgrounds with their own languages. Why does my lack of accent give me more agency?? If I never got rid of my accent, could I have identified myself as Canadian like I do now? There are areas in Canada where people speak with heavy accents too. We are all speaking English, but just because it sounds different, the speaker's identity changes too...it has been a very confusing day. All I know is that I should thank my ESL teacher for being so strict, even though she was a very bitter woman and made all the kids cry.

What's your name?

When I first moved to Canada, I tried everything I could to try and get people to pronounce my name correctly. Unfortunately, English lacks the sound that is needed to pronounce my name. I don't remember why but it was SO important to me that my name was pronounced properly. After a while, I got used to the way people pronounced my name and I started introducing myself with my new name. To this day, my friends assume that I must have a seperate Japanese name because what they call me and what my parents call me sound very different even though it's spelled the same.
Today, a classmate of mine, who is East Indian (she's hindu), told the class how frustrating it is for her to have everyone mispronounce her name. I could relate to everything she was saying and her experiences being discriminated against because of her name, among other things. I have associated myself with my "english" name for so long that I had forgotten how frustrating it is. The way my name is pronounced now, it sounds like it could be an "english" name, it's my last name that gives me away. I may get "othered" for my appearance (that's why I'm a VISIBLE minority), I didn't think that I could be pigeonholed without being seen. My thoughts today take me back to the first day I arrived in K-town; My landlord, after meeting with me for the first time said: "Wow, I didn't expect you to speak such good English!". It took me a couple minutes to realize she meant that as a compliment. Even though, she knew that I was moving from V-city, because of my name, she had assumed that I must be a "ethinic" student (her words). It's amazing what ideas people can form about you without ever seeing or speaking with you. I guess someone's name does say a lot.