ただいま～

春休み（？）で二週間、D.mondに帰って来た！はあ～和むわ～。でもChineseを聞くのが落ち着くって普通ではないかも。。。Dimsum、韓国料理、寿司、火鍋、Vietnamese、Malaysian、まだまだ食べ足りない。日本語喋れる！！こんなに日本語が喋れないのが「溜まってる」とは思わなかった。何かが体の中からスーッと抜けていった。あからさまに差別と向かい合う毎日というのは疲れるものである。あっという間に二週間は過ぎていくだろう。次にD.mondに帰ってくる時はhomecomingだ。K-townに住み着いてから、いろいろあった。自分の考え方について、見方が変わった。一人前の「人」という物に近づたと思う。この７ヶ月で学んだ事はこれからの自分を多いに影響するであろう。充電満タンでK-townに戻る。カラっとしたK-townでの夏を満喫するつもりだ。

Ahhhhh

I finished my exams early and have come home to my dear D.mond for a couple of weeks. I felt something just leaving my body as soon as I came back. I look around and see other faces like me...random people do not feel the right to come up to me and ask ridiculous questions, I just get to be me for a while and it feels so freeing. Of course there's racism and prejudice in D.mond too (plenty of it)!! But there isn't as much public space where it gets tolerated. Here, besides being where I grew up, people judge me as another person; I'm not exotic, I'm not foreign, I'm not an outsider. We draw so many invisible lines in order to belong to something and exclude those that are not like "us". In my head, I get that; but being able to belong again and not having strangers tell me who I am...it's just so comforting. I have this to come back to, I know most minorities and marginalized people don't have that, and having left for a while, I can appreciate the support system I have here so much more. I've said this over and over but I truly appreciate ALL the things I've encountered in K-town, both the positive and negative experiences will get me closer to becoming the kind of person I want to be. I have changed so much since I left D.mond last summer; the way I think about thinking has changed. Wow, I guess this is what it's like to grow up.

My Batcave

Some things have happened to me in the last couple of weeks that have made me sick...physically. I had some encounters with some HATEFUL idiots, including a little boy over the last few weeks. Adding to the stress of being a full-time university student, I feel like I've been beaten up. I have no energy, a slight fever that won't go away, allergies, constant headaches, and I'm coughing up blood again. I did come out of my batcave long enough to go to the docter's so that he could chemically burn off a blood vessel that I popped (up my nose guys, it hurts!). I haven't made it to the bus stop in a week...I hate the bus, no wait, I hate the people on the bus. What troubles me the most is the remarks I get from people who think I'm an aboriginal person. I can't believe the things I've been called and told...well, I guess I believed it happened, just not on such a daily basis, in such a large city. I'm trying to teach myself not to internalize the negative experiences that I've had here. That's easier said than done. I didnt' think I cared so much about what other people think of me, but I must, if I'm letting this get to me. I didn't even notice that I might be getting sick because of all of these things until recently. I HATE that all of this is probably getting in the way of my education. I have never missed so many classes in my academic life. I had mono...more frequent migrane headaches, insomnia, lack of appetite, lack of energy, and the worst part is, I don't feel like myself anymore. It's hard because I feel so alone even though I'm not. I feel an unexplainable sense of loneliness...I can't articulate in words some of the emotions I have been feeling. It makes me appreciate the support system that I have back home so much more. My family and my close friends who actually know me as a person, not this "outsider". Why don't I talk to them? I don't want to make them think that I'm unhappy here (really, I'm still happy to be here). There's something comforting about talking about things that have nothing to do with identity, race, racism, history, society...anything about what I've been going through in K-town. There's something comforting about talking about so-and-so's wedding plans, some new store that opened up in town, the things that are going on in their lives...it reminds me of the life and identity I have in D.mond. Making dinner plans with close friends, my mom telling me I have to help out with a party they're throwing, making plans to take my niece shopping....they give me something to look forward to, something to keep me going. In the end, after this summer, I get to leave this place. I get to go back to my comfortable existence in D.mond soon enough (not just another weekend visit, I'm moving back). I have to keep reminding myself that all this, no matter how depressed and bitter I get, I get to leave it behind. This is only a temporary reality for me, but for the intended victim (for the last time, I'm JAPANESE, at least get the right racist term, you jerks), the hate and oppression will continue. The only thing I can do for them is to tell my story, lend my voice, and be one more person to refuse to tolerate such treatment of a fellow human being. I'm sick of being sick, I'm tired of being scared to go outside, I don't want to feel so much anger and bitterness, I have no more tears left in me, and I have to let this experience be something that makes me stronger, not wear me down. The problem is, how do I go about doing that?